Wow, I can't believe you just said that.

The longer I exist in time and space and interact with people, the more amazed I am by the things that come out of their mouths.  Insightful things, crazy things, stupid things, and things that make you wonder just how far is your head up your ass?  My most recent case of "wow, I can't believe you just said that" comes from the beautiful city of Rabat:


Scene: Sitting in a cafe in Rabat with a friend and his friend.


Friend's Friend: Oh, so you are America?
Me: Yes.
Friend's Friend: You know, the more Americans I meet the more unimpressed I am with them.
Me: (wow, broad generalizations really DO make you sound like an a**hole) Oh really, well we can be fairly unimpressive...(eye roll)
Friend's Friend: I have worked with and met hundreds and hundreds of Americans.
Me: Really? hundreds and hundreds? (I can't wait for this conversation to be over)
Friend's Friend: Yes, and I am unimpressed with them.
Me: Well I hope you find me somewhat impressive.
(awkward silence)
Friend's Friend:You know, I work with a lot of US college students, they intern at my office.
Me: Well yes, because college interns are a great way to measure American impressiveness.  
Friend's Friend:  For example, this one kid I worked with, well he wasn't really American, he was Israeli and using the system.
Me: (oh this is going to be good)
Friend's Friend: He used to come and read that really popular newspaper at work.
Me: The New York Times?
Friend's Friend: No the famous Israeli one.
Me: I have no idea, I read the New York Times.
Friend's Friend: You know I don't care about religion, but he was always really nervous to admit he was Jewish.  I mean to be ashamed of your religion, in a way it is admitting guilt to something right? 
Me: (maybe his secret plan to take over the world?) Well, I don't think he was ashamed, I am Jewish and am cautious about who I tell because I have found that some people here can react...in a negative way. 
(awkward silence)
Friend's Friend: Well ultimately he complained too much and I sent him back to the Program Director to find another internship.
Me: Well, hopefully you got a replacement who was more impressive. (this ridiculous conversation is totally going in my blog)

Is my desire to punch someone in the face normal for Ramadan?

(an example of me looking like a hot mess, similar to how I looked on the first day of my first Ramadan)

I would like to start by saying that if you are hoping to read some deep story how the first day of my first Ramadan was filled with spiritual awakenings, profound experiences, and deep cultural understandings you have come to the wrong place. 


My fist day of my first Ramadan (July 21st so I am a little behind on the entries) was spent on a train from Tangier to Ben Guerir in an attempt to get back to my site before the breaking of the fast.  I did not accomplish this, I failed at this pie in the sky goal big time.  Also, I have decided to try and fast during Ramadan, which is going to be great seeing as I need coffee in order to speak and understand Darija.  


Just to set this up for you, the train ride from Tangier to Ben Guerir is about 7 hours, with a change over in Casablanca.  From Ben Guerir I still have to take about a 45 minute grand taxi ride back to my site.  Usually I would not have a problem taking this trip, but as luck would have it there is a heat wave in Morocco with an average temperature of 108 f***ing degrees fahrenheit in my region of destination.  Oh yeah, this is going to be good.


I made it to Casablanca without any incidents of watermelon thefts and minimal hunger/thirst pains.  But the wheels starting coming off the wagon a bit in Casablanca, I won't lie.  I think it was that little 8 year old with his stupid little Spiderman hat and matching velcro Spiderman shoes who was eating that delicious looking ice cream that really started to piss me off.  He just thought he was SOOO cute.  Or it was those stupid American tourists with the Canadian flags on their stupid camping backpacks eating those amazing looking Pringles.  Jerks.  Or it was that annoying foreign looking woman drinking a stupid coffee, a stupidly delicious looking coffee.  Whatever it was I was starting to get the feeling that I just wanted to punch someone in the face.  This feeling only increased in intensity on the train ride from Casablanca to Ben Guerir, where the train car got increasingly more hot as the more south we went.  Oh yeah, I was about to punch someone in the f***ing face.   


We finally arrive in Ben Guerir and I was at the point that if someone looked at me wrong I was going to throw down my stuff and flip a table, I mean it, FLIP A F***ING TABLE JERSEY STYLE.  But when I finally got the Grand Taxi stand and no one was there, the wheels really came off and the tears/sobbing started...


Me: I (sob) need (sob) go (sob)
Grand Taxi Manager Man: (in French) There are no more taxis now.
Me: I (sob) need (sob) go (sob)
Grand Taxi Manager Man: What do you speak? French? English?
Me: (sob) English (sob) Darija
Grand Taxi Manager Man: (probably thinking I don't speak any type of language in which he can communicate with me in) I am sorry but there are no more taxis now.
Me: What (sob) I (sob) do?
Grand Taxi Manager Man: (obviously taking pity on the mskina foreign girl) How about you sit at that nice cafe, and get something to eat and drink.
Me: It (sob) place (sob) nice (sob)?
Grand Taxi Manager Man: Yes it is, come back after breaking of the fast and we can see what we can do.
Me: (sniffle of hope) ok 


Waiter: What would you like?
Me: After (sob) Allah Akbar (sob) juice (sob) food (sob) water (sob)
Waiter: (looking at me like I am out of my mind) ok (brings everything I asked for BEFORE the call to prayer the indicates the breaking of the fast)
Me: (sobbing in silence as I stare at the food I want to eat SO bad and looking around to see if anyone else is eating.  This waiter is a total jerk, but my sobbing is getting in the way of me punching him in the face right now. He is SO lucky.)


Finally the call to prayer sounds and people start eating.


Me: (shoving food in my mouth and downing and entire liter of water) 


So I never ended up punching someone in the face despite the high probability that it would happen, I just cried like a little baby.  All things considered that is probably quite a big accomplishment for my first day of my first Ramadan.  I really should be proud of myself.

The Incident of the Stolen Watermelons

(stolen watermelons)

After a series of relatively un-important events I was asked to go to Tangier.  I traveled to Tangier the day before Ramadan and back to my site the first day of Ramadan.  But Ramadan is not one of the those crazy party holidays, it lasts for 29 to 30 days where Muslims fast from dawn until sunset to celebrate the revelation of the Quran to the Prophet Mohammed.  So yeah, not a crazy party holiday.  So I was not concerned about traveling during Ramadan and figured the worst I would encounter during my travels to and from Tangier would be a busy train and slightly more grumpy people, because I get grumpy when I don't eat and I think that is pretty common for most people.  


The trip started off great.  I got one of those nice new cars with air-conditioning and a window seat.  I was one of the only people in the car and I felt like I was in first class.   This was until we pulled up to the Ksbah Kbir train stop.  


The station was FILLED with rowdy boys, HUNDREDS of them, off to a beach day in Asilah.  They started banging on the train as it went by and quickly stormed the train taking over my car with a strong smell of sweat and cigarettes.  Having not grown up under a rock I knew this was no good and that this was going to f***ing suck, and it did, it did BIG TIME.  


So I put my "bitch face" on and didn't let anyone sit next to me.  The boys (averaging from age 10-30) started jumping on the seats, taking off their shirts, laying in the baggage compartments, smoking cigarettes, smoking weed, drinking, and being generally annoying pains in the ass.  I finally relented and let someone sit next to me, but not after I gave them my "If you mess with me I will seriously f***ing kick your ass bitch face."  The train ride continued as fights broke out, weed was smoked, and glue was sniffed.  And then the train stopped...


As we were waiting for the train to continue after some a**hole pulled the emergency break, a few of the geniuses of the group decided to leave the train and start stealing watermelons from the field beside the tracks.  This caused the Watermelon Man who owned the field to start throwing rocks at the thieves, who because they are geniuses decided to throw rocks back, which resulted in a two hour delay as the Gendarme and Police raided the train to find the morons who thought it would be a good idea to delay their beach day by stealing watermelons, WATERMELONS.  


I could tell all this excitement was getting the idiots around me more excited and more bold.  The New Jersian in me knew I had to act before shit hit the fan and I got caught in the middle.  I couldn't leave my seat because the last girls who tried to leave the train car had some issues.  So I had to think fast because I could tell they wanted to talk to try and get to know me.  Having the uncanny ability to emasculate a man with the "you are a piece of s**t card" I decided to ask my seat mates in an extremely loud voice  "Before Ramadan, do men always do such horrible things as drink, smoke weed, sniff glue, and STEAL?"  Silence.  So, I asked again "Before Ramadan, do men usually act this horrible?" Silence. 


As the guilt started to slowly spread through the group of boys around me, the Gendarme and Police came into the train.  It was easy to spot the thieves because they were the ones holding watermelons or pieces of watermelons.  And then the tears started.  The Gendarme and Police smacked the thieves they caught around a bit for being, you know, f***ing idiots not to mention bitches for crying.  I mean honestly, grow a pair.    


The train finally started to move again, and a few of the boys, probably in an attempt to prove to the foreigner they weren't completely horrible people, offered me some stolen watermelon.  Me, being unable to let a piece of s**t get away with anything, said "God sees everything, Happy Ramadan" and I refused the watermelon.  I have never punched someone in the gut, but I am pretty sure the faces that resulted from my comment look pretty close to the face someone would make if punched in the gut.  They all got off at Asilah without even a goodbye, as you can tell, I was heartbroken.


Badass-Ometer:
Lucia: 2, Watermelon Thieves: -4


Please note that there is no Mardi Gras of Ramadan.  So these boys were being a**holes, REAL BIG a**holes and should be ashamed of themselves.  If their mother's ever found out what they did they would be begging for the Gendarme and Police to save them.  Also, for all the train rides I have been on, I have NEVER seen anything like this, which is one of the reasons I am writing about it, I mean who steals watermelons?  Finally, I was not at all hurt during this incident. except for my nose, which had to endure the smell of dirty boy, weed, cigarette smoke, and glue for about 3 hours.  But at least I gained some Badass-Ometer points out of it.  
   

Conspiracy Theories

It must be out of pure confusion or stupidity I get caught up in what I call "awkward conspiracy theory conversations."  While I have never before been in so many "awkward conspiracy theory conversations" as I have in had in this country, with a complete number of about 5, that doesn't mean that "awkward conspiracy theory conversations" are specific to Morocco.  Granted, I have had 5 more here then I have had anywhere else I have been, but crazies exist everywhere amiright?  I also think people are like "let's talk to this American chick about our conspiracies to see how she reacts to prove if they are true or false" sort of thing.


The funny thing about these conversations is I never know they are really happening until it is too late and I have somehow been indirectly accused of being a key player in the conspiracy.  I think this has to do with my language skills, and as the person is speaking I am wondering if I am in fact hearing things correctly or if I am just crazy and making them up?  But I find that I can easily get out of these "awkward conspiracy theory conversations" by talking about the weather, so that is kind of a relief, please see examples below:


Example 1


Me: Hey, I know you like space, did you hear they found a new planet in our solar system?
Acquaintance 1: Yeah, it is interesting.
Me: I wonder if we are going to visit it?
Acquaintance 1: Like America visited the moon?
Me: Yeah, sure, whey not?  But maybe in can be more collaborative this time and it can be with the Russians, and even some Moroccans!
Acquaintance 1: Have you ever seen pictures of the moonwalk?
Me: Yeah, you know in school and stuff.
Acquaintance 1: No, I mean the REAL pictures?
Me: (Wait, is he implying what I think he is implying?) Um?
Acquaintance 1: You know if you ever really look at the pictures, there are scientist that say, based on the pictures, they aren't real because the way the flag is, and that they weren't really taken on the moon.
Me: (Wait, I think he is trying to say what I think he is trying to say) Oh?
Acquaintance 1: There are some websites and videos on YouTube you know.
Me: (Yeah, like I believe all the shit I see on the internet and YouTube, you know I saw a cat fly in a YouTube video once, flew right across the room, pretty cute actually) Wow, it is hot today, this sun is just so hot!
Acquaintance 1: Yes, it is really hot today!


Example 2


Me: Yes, I have family who live in New York City.
Acquaintance 2: Were they in New York for 9/11?
Me: (I think I should be concerned about where this is going...) Um, yeah?
Acquaintance 2: You know 6,000 Jews didn't show up to work on the day of 9/11?
Me: (FML) Excuse me?
Acquaintance 2: 6,000 Jews didn't show up to work at the Twin Towers that day.
Me: (Is he trying to say what I think he is trying to say?) Um, you do know I am Jewish right?
Acquaintance 2: (awkward silence)  Well...  
Me: Have you ever been to a financial or law firm in New York City?  
Acquaintance 2: No.
Me: Have you ever been to New York City?
Acquaintance 2: No.
Me: Well if you had you would know that most likely on 9/11 8,000 people decided not to go to work that day, and 6,000 just happened to be Jewish, because, you know, it is New York.
Acquaintance 2: Yes, but you should look at some websites and YouTube videos.
Me: (WTF is up with believing everything you see on the internet? Maybe I should show him the flying cat video...)
Acquaintance 2: They just make some interesting points.
Me: Wait, you do know I am Jewish, right? Are you trying to imply I had something to do with 9/11?
Acquaintance 2: I mean...Israel.
Me: Maybe it is time I taught you the phrase "digging yourself into a hole"...
Acquaintance 2: Well, if you just...
Me: Wow, it is really hot today! This Moroccan sun is just so strong!
Acquaintance 2: Yes, I know, it is very hot and sunny today!
   
Example 3


Acquaintance 3: Have you ever heard of the Stone Masons?
Me: (oh, FML) Yes, I used to run by their headquarters in DC, really interesting building, I always wanted a tour, they give free tours you know?
Acquaintance 3: There are these websites and YouTube videos that talk about how they are trying to take over the world by placing their symbols everywhere.  
Me: (FML) Oh really? You don't say? And there are websites and YouTube videos to prove it?
Acquaintance 3: Like US money, have you ever seen the back of a US dollar bill?
Me: You do know I am American right?
Acquaintance 3: Yes, but have you ever REALY looked at the back of a US dollar bill?
Me: Um?
Acquaintance 3: It is a road map of how the Americans are going to take over the world.
Me: (I really wonder what is wrong with people sometimes) Wait, you do know I am American, right?  Are you trying to imply I am involved in a conspiracy to take over the world?
Acquaintance 3: Well, these videos...
Me: Damn it is SO hot today! I just can't believe it!
Acquaintance 3: I know right!


At least I can't complain about my life being dull...